Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part IX- Memoirs of a Testiclectomist
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
David Spade’s career died with Chris Farley.
Although there are plenty of funny ways to traumatize a young person, child abuse of the parental flavor has the added bonus of causing irreparable emotional damage.
Drinking won’t solve your problems unless your problem is an unwanted pregnancy.
Something about pooping with a hat on just doesn’t sit right with me.
Hey Tiger Woods, winning the US Open on Father’s Day would have been a great way to commemorate your dad’s life and his numerous contributions to own your life. Way to desecrate his grave by not making the cut…jackass.
Chromosome 47 is primarily a happy one.
I fail to understand how homosexual weddings undermine the sanctity of marriage. Half of all marriages end in divorce; they have no sanctity! Allowing queers to get married will probably improve this number and give marriage some legitimacy again. So lighten up all you Christian conservatives and join in the cheer: “We’re here! We’re queer! We’ll spear you in the rear!”
Rape strippers!
If I was a mosquito and I died, I would be really disappointed if I got reincarnated as a mosquito.
Attention heterosexual males: wearing pink doesn’t make you manly, or masculine, or tough, or sensitive, or any of that crap. It just lets the rest of us know you’re a whore-slave to every whim of the fashion industry.
It doesn’t get any classier than stirring a mixed drink with a soup spoon.
When future child molesters are thirteen or fourteen, I wonder if they get all hot and bothered when they see pictures of fetus x-rays or magnified sperms in health class.
Is anyone else intrigued by the rhyme ripple chips and nipple clips?
You’re supposed to use a guarded clipper to remove clumps from a cat’s fur, but how would a sailing ship that’s hesitant to talk about its feelings help?
Now that we’ve had a gay cowboy movie we need a lesbian pirate film and a transsexual retelling of Romeo and Juliet: “He had a penis. She had a penis. But their love was forbidden because she tucked hers between her legs.”
So my latest money-making idea is to open a car dealership that sells and trades literally every make and model from twenty-five-year-old, rusted-out Buicks to brand new, top-of-the-line Ferraris. I think it would be great to have a guy named Graham drive up in a 2005 Porsche Boxster convertible to check out the newest BMW’s while Cletus is trying to find someone to cosign a loan for a four-hundred dollar ’77 Pacer that’s covered in primer paint and doesn’t have doors. If nothing else, such a business would give me the opportunity to hang a sign that says, “Prices range from $100 to $1,000,000.”
The great thing about leaky bowels is that they’re funny without further comment.
When it comes down to it, I would run naked through a Denny’s for twenty dollars.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
