Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part VIII- Views, Outlooks, and Judgements
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
If Hillary Clinton was a large, grazing, field dwelling mammal, she would be called a bitchalo.
Am I the only one that thinks it’s hilarious to be mean to nice people?
You know that game where you add the words “in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie saying? I think it’s more fun to add the words “for Jesus.”
The word “platonic” is an absolutely feminine creation.
If I worked at Sea World, I would sneak venison into Shamu’s diet so he would really get a taste for it and then during December shows, we could feed him an entire reindeer to get everyone in the holiday mood.
Sometimes I think there isn’t enough sodomy in today’s sitcom.
I’m pretty sure that the only thing that actually counts as a sin is when an ugly woman gets breast implants.
The other day I heard a guy say into his cell phone, “What’s up, buttercup?” I can’t think of a joke to make about this but it’s one of the most horrific, depraved things I’ve heard in a while so I thought that merited its inclusion in this list.
The Duke lacrosse team may be blue devils, but no one will ever accuse them of having blue balls.
In a cannibalistic society, battered women are something you order at a baseball game.
I was watching the Gilmore Girls and I think my Y chromosome grew a tail.
Here’s an idea for a reality show: we’ll get six pregnant women together who have similar due dates and give them five hundred dollars apiece each Friday night and videotape their exploits into the world of alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, cocaine, and other addictive substances. At the end of the season, five to nine months depending on the recklessness of the cast members, whoever’s baby is most deformed wins. To get the audience involved, we’ll let them vote on what qualifies “most deformed.” It would be cool to see whether America believes that extra parts or missing parts constitutes deformity. The grand prize is the legal guardianship of all six babies and an eighteen year reality TV contract.
I often worry that not enough people strive to be uncomfortably sexy.
If I were going to kill someone, I think it would be Lorne Michaels so he wouldn’t be able to release any more nauseating comedians like Jimmy Fallon and Chris Kattan into the world.
Rachel Scdoris recently became the first legally blind musher to finish the Iditarod. (But she’s still blind.) I’m not impressed, though. When a blind person wins with blind dogs, then I’ll celebrate. You may be offended by reading this, but that’s okay because she’ll never find out.
My only regret is that I was born during an era in which public masturbation is still a faux pas.
Everyone seems so proud of knowing the fact that Fred and Wilma Flintstone were the first couple to be shown on television sleeping in the same bed. What’s the big deal? People get married so they can have sex regularly. Well, that’s why men get married. I have no idea why women do; maybe stability or some crap like that.
I kind of wish a tragedy would happen so I could have something to write about.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
