Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part VI- Schemes, Perceptions, and Testiclectomies
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
If AC/DC ever breaks up I think Brian Johnson should get a job reading children’s books on tape.
The great thing about internet chat is that you can say whatever you want as long as you type lol after it. For instance: “I’m going to rape your mother lol.” Or: “Jesus hates black people lol.” See? No one could possibly be offended by that.
It would suck to have a limp in both legs because you would never have any solace in your walking.
Here’s a tip for job interviews: ask if you can be paid in cash every day.
It was brought to my attention that in my collection of thoughts where I discussed the fact that there are no people for the ethical treatment of plants, I had “stolen” this idea from George Carlin. Although Mr. Carlin is my favorite comedian, I have never heard this bit. This is probably just another case of great minds thinking alike.
What more is invention than prostitution of the mind?
Princess Di had it coming.
What this country needs is a president who can make uniformed, unpopular decisions time and time again and not be affected by harsh political criticism from the public and media. He or she (yeah right) should also have no military experience and think of the armed forces as playthings like in the game of Risk. The constitution should also have little bearing on how they operate behind the scenes. Yeah, that’s what we need…
When you think about it, there really isn’t any difference between “Animal Farm” and “Animal House.”
Free rides on the hand.
If you get your tonsils removed it’s called a tonsillectomy. If you get your appendix removed it’s called an appendectomy. If you get your testicles removed it’s called castration. Have the balls not earned a fancy medical-sounding name? Vasectomy sounds medical, but you keep your jewels. Maybe the problem is that testiclectomy sounds like something you’d pay a hooker for or watch the Ghost Busters fight.
If a cricket player got rickets, that would be kind of a sticky wicket.
Does anyone really care about the miners? Are we actually surprised there was a cave-in? This is a dangerous line of work, just like alligator wrestling or sword swallowing. Those who enter it must be aware of these hazards. If there are people too stupid to realize this before they take the job, society is probably better off if they’re crushed by boulders and slowly suffocated over several days.
You’re being watched. Someone is standing behind you right now staring at the back of your head.
Next time you hear “The Duke of Earl,” try to imagine that duke is actually spelled dook. Maybe that could be the sequel or prequel to that Dixie Chicks song about killing Earl.
How many of you turned and looked when I said you were being watched? Be honest. Don’t lie to yourself.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s next musical should be called “Retards in Leotards.”
I don’t think there’s enough counterfeiting any more. Just because bills are harder to recreate now doesn’t mean we should stop trying. Come on people. This is simply a friendly challenge from the US mint. Let’s kick it up a notch and show them we still care.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.