Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
This is a Capitalistic Country!
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Tim Smith
Here are some handy guidelines as to what PDA’s are appropriate and when they’re appropriate for all you young lovers out there: Holding hands is always okay as long as it’s mostly casual. If you make a big deal about not breaking your grasp when a pillar or something comes between you, it’s not okay anymore, so knock it off. Putting your arm around your significant other is always okay if you’re sitting and are in an appropriate place to do so (i.e. not a church or classroom or congressional hearing). Walking with your arm around someone is never okay, so knock it off. A light kiss hello or goodbye is always okay if it’s in an appropriate setting (see above). Public tongue is okay on three days of the year: your wedding day or wedding anniversary, Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve. That’s it. Keep it to yourself on the other 362 or 363 days of the year. “Heavy petting” in public is not okay, not even on the three special days, so knock it off. All other PDA’s are not okay, so knock them off as well. As for the other meaning of PDA, those aren’t appropriate either unless you want to portray yourself as an elitist technology bigot and/or jackass. If you have decided to become a jackass, make sure you get a blue tooth and wear it even when you have a free hand or aren’t using it. Well, that about wraps up this week’s edition of “A Discussion of Modern Behavioral Ecology with Tim Smith.”
Not that I condone terrorism or anything, but if I lived in a cave with thirty of my closest dysentery-ridden family members and I saw one episode of “Cribs,” I would strap a bomb to my chest so fast it would make my nipples start on fire. I wouldn’t even feel bad about killing “innocent” people, because if garbage like “Cribs” exists, there has to be a market for it created by the “innocent” American public.
If I were the son of a professional football player and found out that he had been kicked out of the NFL, not for lack of talent, but because he couldn’t stay out of titty bars for a couple years, I would’ve beaten the shit out of him as soon as I was big enough. I would also beat his ass if I grew up eating macaroni and cheese because he went bankrupt buying diamond earrings and Bentleys. Grow the fuck up, Plax!
Goddammit! Writing those last two entries made me feel like a fucking socialist. Bush’s laissez faire approach to thinking is making Karl Marx seem like a genius again. Maybe it’s time for a bloody revolution and then communism can catch up with religion on the all time death toll leader board.
Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive?! He won’t even be the sexiest Hugh alive until Hef dies four or five decades from now.
Saxby Chambliss, a Republican from Georgia, has won his state’s senate seat, making it impossible for the DFL to halt a filibuster. It looks like George Bailey has no chance of making Captain Renault off himself in this fifth of a decade. Holy shit! That was three classic movie references in one sentence! Wow!
Can we please just sell Chevrolet to Toyota or Honda and get rid of the rest of the American-made cars? Not only would that salvage the ONE quality American car, but it would effectively end unions (and socialism) in the United States. Please don’t bail them out Congress. Just pretend that we live in a capitalistic society and let those who don’t know how to operate die in a filthy pool of blood, urine, and overpaid manual laborers. People who operate a screwdriver for $80,000 a year can beg for work at an Isuzu plant for $9.50 an hour like they’re worth. The executives of the “big three” should probably spend a year or two in “pound me in the ass” prison as a punishment for recklessly crippling what should be a thriving industry. Michael Vick got that for just killing some dogs.
Whew, I feel like I redeemed myself and my generally conservative economic views with that last opinion. Bailouts seem to bring out the Republican in us all. Incidentally (and also disgustingly) the word “bailout” is not viewed as a misspelling in Microsoft Word. Maybe Bill Gates is gearing up for an operating system bailout in 2015 or so.
After seeing Suicide Kings and Boondock Saints, I think someone should make a movie starring Willem Dafoe and Denis Leary running around being badass cops or robbers. And also, they’re gay lovers.
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
