Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
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Tim Smith
I recently suffered a fairly serious injury to my right hand at work that required stitches and severely limited its functionality for a few days. Luckily there was no nerve, tendon or bone damage and the only lasting effect will be a superficial scar. I was kind of surprised though at the number of people who expressed interest in knowing whether I had injured my “pimp” hand. So if you are one of those people who are as interested in the health of my crank as I am, I thank you.
Now that The Sopranos is over, I’m pretty sure we would all be more comfortable if Tony Sirico would go back to being a mobster in New York rather than doing Denny’s commercials.
Here’s a long rambling story for you: I was listening to a clip from Patton Oswalt, the standup comedian, and he did a bit about the movie Deathbed: the Bed that Eats People. He ridiculed the idea that someone wrote this and either never had any doubts about it, or worse, had doubts and finished the screenplay anyway. He finished the bit by saying that he had written a screenplay that would be made soon called Rape Stove: the Stove that Rapes People. Then I, being a disgusting human being, Googled “rape stove” which brought up the definition on Urban Dictionary. Rape stove was defined by Sergio Falcon thusly, “It’s like a stove, except it rapes you.” He also used it in a sentence as such, “You better rape that stove before it rapes you, boy; show it who’s boss of the rape stove.” Absolutely brilliant. Now obviously, there’s nothing I can add to make this funnier or more bizarre. However, I can hope like crazy that Sergio Falcon and Patton Oswalt both came up with the concept of a rape stove independently. That way those two, combined with the fact that Rape Stove was my nickname in college, make a total of three separate incidences of the rape stove being idealized in a human mind. At least. So maybe, God didn’t actually make us in His own image and the rape stove has been conceptualized more than once because we have seen God in our subconscious and He’s really a pot-bellied rape stove. Sweet.
Clay Aiken is a new father. Which means that Clay Aiken presumably had sex…with…not…a…man?
I really hope my roommate was in the minority when he thought that Russia invaded Georgia of the United States.
Psst! Cedric the Entertainer. Take a hint from Bernie Mac.
Is it just me or is Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion a cinematic masterpiece?
Pretty much fabric knuckle bandages are the greatest invention since the wheel. And fuck sliced bread.
I can’t wait for the Michael Phelps Steroid Scandal. Hopefully the Lance Armstrong Steroid Scandal happens right afterwards.
So, you know how if someone is raped and murdered, they become an instant national celebrity (as long as they’re white and pretty)? I wonder what would happen if a guy (who was white and pretty) was raped and then he raped and murdered a (pretty white) girl. That seems like a question only a total media whore like Greta Van Susteren could answer. And since I’m a total media whore, I will answer it. The issue would come down to who was prettier: the raped guy or the raped/dead girl. The raped/dead girl would get a bonus for being dead so the raped guy would have to be like Colin Farrell pretty or better. The guy’s rapist would definitely have to be Tom Petty ugly or worse. If he was less ugly than Napoleon Dynamite, the raped guy would have to be approaching Matthew McConaughey or even (gasp!) Brad Pitt pretty. You know, writing this paragraph has made me feel kind of gay, but I don’t care; Brad Pitt is a sexy man. Didn’t you see Fight Club?! Holy Shit!
When you’re so drunk that you can barely hold your head up and you look at your blinds and there’s still an abundance of light shining ‘roundst them, then man, are you cool!
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
