Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
This Is Actually Pretty Offensive, I Admit It...
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
Hey Billy Ray Cyrus, does it bother you at all that millions of guys are going to be buying Vanity Fair so they can jack off about your fifteen year-old daughter? Achy Breaky Heart? More like, My Daughter Looks like a Rape Victim in a Bed Sheet. Boo-yah!
This might sound crazy and completely random, but the word “boo-yah” is not flagged by Microsoft Word as an incorrect spelling.
There should be a website for people who have a breast cancer fetish. It might be difficult though to find women with no hair and one boob who would be willing to be photographed topless.
Remember when Barbaro, the Kentucky Derby winner, had to be euthanized? Do you think they blew his head off with a shotgun, all distinguished-like?
Remember when Eight Belles, the Kentucky Derby runner-up, had to be euthanized? Do you think they blew her head off with a shotgun, all distinguished-like? Apparently though, if we count the Breeder’s Cup with the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the Belmont Stakes as the four major horse races, there has been a death at five of the last thirteen such events. Is there anything that could be more damaging for a sport than for the worst possible outcome to occur 38% of the time? It would be similar to not just Duke, but the Notre Dame, Syracuse, Virginia, and Georgetown lacrosse teams all raping a stripper in a period of three years. Especially if it was the same stripper. But especially if she was really a dude.
If you own an excessively loud vehicle and you drive it late at night in residential areas for no reason, then I hate to break this to you, but you’re an asshole. It’s probably time to grow a pencil thin mustache, bleach your hair, and join a fraternity.
Seriously, Rachel Ray has to be stopped, even if it means that we all stop buying Ritz crackers. Please! Stop her before we all get diabetes just from hearing her voice. Did you notice how many times I wrote “stop” in the previous two sentences? It was almost like a telegram. A really sexy telegram. Or a resexagram. This kind of got off track, huh? Just like Rachel Ray’s face! Ahahahaha!
I think if I were a porn star, I’d want my screen name to be Sergio Spurge the Vadge Hammer.
If you don’t absolutely love country singer-comedian Cletus T. Judd, then you’re a dirty Communist.
Just now, like right, just now, I saw a robin in the tree outside my window and we both contemplated each other for a while. I thought about the buds on the branches of his tree and how it was starting to look like summer and how head a pretty red breast. He probably thought, “What the fuck is that sound?! I hope it’s not going to eat me or I might have to poop on a car.” Speaking of animals thinking, doesn’t it bother you that animals might not think in English? Or that any people might not think in English? Eeew.
Well, it’s been a week. Is the Myanmar cyclone fair game for jokes yet?
An update on the robin outside my window: he left. However, there were some female robins in the tree, so he might have gone somewhere to get some mad cloaca.
It kind of seems like a shame that I haven’t been able to use the n-word yet in this edition. Nigger.
It would suck to get a hickie on your fleshy fun bridge, but I guess no one would really know about it.
If I were Josef Fritzl, the Austrian man who imprisoned his daughter for 24 years and had seven kids with her, I would be pissed as hell at Wayne Corliss because he stole my thunder as the premier international pervert.
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
