Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Asiancat Approves of My Balls
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
I wish I could find a job where a cape was part of the standard uniform, but there don’t seem to be a lot of options. The only ones I can think of are drum major, pimp, superhero, rock star, swashbuckler, hobbit, and crazy person. And even in those professions, capes aren’t necessarily required. Maybe I should open a business where capes are part of the normal clothing, something like a bordello where you can sleep with a prostitute dressed like Wonder Woman or Mighty Mouse. Or maybe I should just create an alternate universe that differs from our own in that only unusual people don’t wear capes. Yeah. Capes. Sweet.
Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals was cut from the team recently after being arrested for the fifth time in his three year career. Now I can’t claim to understand Chris Henry’s upbringing and current situation and such, but if I knew that the entire sports world disapproved of athletes with multiple arrests and my friends were always suggesting destructive or illegal activities, I would like to think that I would eventually get some white friends, or at least some black friends who grew up in the suburbs. Seriously though, all you have to do is cut back on the clubbing for a decade, and then you’ll have enough money to support all your illegitimate children and just nigger it up for the rest of your life.
Wouldn’t it be neat if life and resurrection were more like video games? Like if you died, you’d be able to just start over from your last save point in your next life. I’m guessing that communions and confessions would serve as save points. Video games are probably like this because someone from a future life has contacted video game producers in this life.
If someone were to kill the Game Fly fag or the Lipozene slut, I would probably say, “Well, that’s just fine.”
Once in a while I feel pretty creepy when I check out a hot girl and then see the ’10 or ’11 on the arm of her letterman jacket. Usually, though, I don’t even feel a little creepy.
I’ve been hearing radio ads that say that the chances of a child being diagnosed with autism are 1 in 150. In response to this startling number, I have been completely and totally complacent and apathetic. As a result, the chances of a child being diagnosed with autism are now only 1 in 166. That’s a nine percent improvement in less than a year that I helped bring about by not doing anything. To further my humanitarian crusades, I will continue to not care about AIDS, cancer, hunger, the environment, or the war in Iraq. I can feel the world approaching perfection even as I sit here and don’t give a shit.
Craig Ferguson, the annoying British boss from the Drew Carey show, who now hosts Craig Kilborn’s Late Late Show, recently beat Conan O’Brien’s Late Night in ratings for the first time. Hopefully this sparks a déjà vu of Lettermanesque network switching where Ferguson gets the Tonight Show when Leno retires and Conan feels snubbed and switches to CBS to take over the Late Show when Letterman retires. The bad thing about this though, is that Carson Daly might end up with a show that’s on when people are awake.
Something that’s really cool about working as a meat cutter is that I could potentially say, “Wow, these are some sloppy butts,” and no one would laugh or even think anything of it. Wait, maybe it’s not cool that no one would laugh about that. Yeah, that’s not cool at all.
Pope Benedict XVI recently owned up to the sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church while visiting Washington and admitted that the situation has been poorly handled at times. Now I’m not sure exactly what constitutes a miracle, but a person in a position of power actually apologizing for something should count as three miracles, and therefore automatic sainthood. It would be nice if we could find a president who would admit to screwing up before being forced to by low approval ratings or a senate impeachment.
Sometimes people say that something is second to nun. Firstly, that seems like kind of an odd method of comparison, and secondly, I kind of want to meet this amazing abbess who’s the best at everything in the world.
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
