Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Sports, Sports, Sports!! Is Your Whole Life Sports?!
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Tim Smith
(You may notice that many of these entries are sadly outdated since I have been very busy (lazy) and this list has taken me over three months to write. I apologize to my fan(s) and make an inappropriate hand gesture to all my uptight, irrational critics.)
On occasion there are criminal acts that involve two or more distinct crimes, such as armed robbery and aggravated assault or murder-suicide. However, one you never hear about is a rape-suicide. I wish that would change.
Attention Clay Bennett: when you die and go to Hell, you will be sodomized every day by an object the size of Seattle as punishment for raping the city in life.
If I ever had the opportunity to read the phrase, “she furiously mastered his boner,” in a non-pornographic book, it would really toot my whistle. I think an entire novel could actually be built around that sentence, kind of like coming up with a really cool gimmick to write a song around.
Seriously, the only real losers in the Mitchell Report are the fans because we have one more thing we have to listen to Curt Shilling’s fat ass talk about.
The recent explosion in a union operated chemical plant in Jacksonville is simply further evidence that God is a staunch supporter of capitalism.
I don’t care what anyone else thinks, Stayin’ Alive is a kick-ass song.
It’s really cool to threaten someone by saying you are going to punch them in the biscuit. It works for men and women and doesn’t have a definite meaning.
I’m making a final ruling on this: Dane Cook is not funny and should be punished by being forced to listen to someone tell six jokes in a forty-five minute set.
Sheepdogs DEFINITELY go to Heaven, or so claims Don Bluth.
Normally I don’t bother with a New Year’s resolution (see how old this is?), but this year I have decided to become “that guy” at parties. You know, the cool guy who never brings his own booze and then talks down and condescends to the people he’s mooching off. I’m also going to be the guy who hits on the really drunk girl who’s never had a drop of alcohol before that night, especially if it’s her birthday. I might even buy a tube of that fake tan stuff and wear it with a vengeance. Hey, whoever said you had to resolve to improve yourself?
If it’s wrong to sit alone in the dark and cry while listening to 'Always' by Bon Jovi, then I don’t want to be right.
I don’t know about you, but I was kind of worrying that the current generation wouldn’t have a cheating, lying, dirt-bag baseball player like Joe Jackson or Pete Rose to call its own. Thank God for Roger Clemens. (Bonds didn’t quite fill this role since he’s more of an asshole than anything else.)
Easter is, without a doubt, the best candy holiday. I don’t even make this claim because of Peeps, which have now branched out to all holidays, including Talk like a Pirate Day. The reason Easter rules so much is because of Cadbury Eggs. I know they’re always available, but Easter weekend just makes them that much more delicious. God would eat Cadbury Eggs to celebrate Easter if he wasn’t Jewish.
Does anyone else remember watching Anderson Cooper on Channel One News in middle school? How did his hair go from Tom Cruise brown to Steve Martin white in just over a decade? Anyone? Hellooooo?
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
