Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part III- Impressions, Notions, and Inspirations
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
What if instead of depicting the sacrifice of a young girl, Stravinsky’s ballet, The Rite of Spring, was really about how everyone has an inalienable right to jump whenever they want.
Yao Ming is actually two standard-sized Asians sewn together.
In studying photojournalism, what class covers killing British royalty?
If falling off a horse can turn an untalented, washed-up actor into an American icon, it might be a good career move for Gary Busey to start taking riding lessons. Or maybe just skip the lessons.
Isn’t it a violation of the principle of separation of church and state to use a year numbering system based on the birth of Jesus?
I got a fortune cookie that said, “A human being is a deciding being,” which means, apparently, that the death of Terry Schiavo was largely trivial and insignificant, like the death of some food or a buzzing insect.
With sexual assault and drug dealing wearing thin as the “in” crimes, arson is poised to make a comeback in a big way.
The best things in life are free. Like rabies.
It’s probably a good idea to keep a woven rug in your car so if you’ve been drinking and a cop pulls you over and says he saw you weaving, you can agree with him and show him the rug.
When traveling in Dimension X, watch out for Krang.
When you pass gas in a large crowd of people and everyone is disgusted but there’s no way of pinning it on you, don’t you feel like you accomplished something wholesome and worthwhile?
Jews for Jesus is the ingrown toenail of organized religion.
Attention Liberal Pontificators: nobody cares how you label retards, least of all, them. This is one cross section of America that you truly don’t need to worry about. I can understand employing culturally sensitive language when referring to Asians, blacks, or Latinos, but don’t kid yourselves about why you do that. It’s not because you’re actually culturally sensitive, it’s because of the unpleasant thought of white slave labor that may become a reality when these groups take over (except the blacks, I was just kidding about that one). With retards though, there’s no danger of that, so call them whatever you want: morons, jungos, fools, or stumpies; the list goes on and on. After all, they don’t care, just as long as they get to eat their Oreos out of a rubber Elvis bowl and watch reruns of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood for thirteen hours a day.
If a werewolf bit a bee, and you could get that bee to work for you, protecting your home, it would afford you the awesome opportunity to have a sign that said “Beware of Werebee.”
Sign up now online for 2006 Hurricane Fantasy Leagues!
Please express all answers for density in stones per cubic furlong.
I love the feeling of applying Gold Bond to my “male itch.” Though, I wish I could feel like that all the time, all over my whole body. Actually, I wish everyone could feel like that all the time. Then we probably wouldn’t have so many wars. For instance, legends tell of Genghis Khan’s legendary Chafing Inner Thighs of Hatred and Misery.
Is there any more satisfying feeling than a cold toilet seat in the woods?
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.