Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Not Suicide is for Pussies
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
Attention fat guys: Don’t believe what you see on According to Jim, King of Queens, The Simpsons, Family Guy, The Flintstones and The Honeymooners. You are not going to find a smoking hot wife who’s funny and intelligent to marry your fat ass. The best you can hope to do is “moderately attractive.” Even then, if she’s settling for you, there’s probably something fundamentally wrong with her, like she’s a necrophiliac or crack head. If you’re lucky enough to find someone desperate enough to marry a tub of lard like yourself, you’ll probably be in a situation more like the show Roseanne. Your wife is going to resent the fact that she couldn’t do any better than you and will constantly berate and belittle you. Most likely you’ll end up killing yourself.
Seriously, does anyone really give a shit about Youssif? It’s almost like he’s a pretty American white girl who’s been kidnapped.
Muslims seem to want their religion and culture to be accepted in the mainstream and to not be labeled as militant extremists. But if that’s the case, how can they condone a teacher being jailed and deported for allowing her seven-year-old students to name a teddy bear Muhammad? And why isn’t anyone talking about punishing these kids and their parents here? Enjoy your religious fanaticism, Sudan; I hope it’s worth the dysentery.
I won $100 in my Gangsters in Sports pool when Sean Taylor got shot.
Has everyone seen Faith the biped dog on YouTube? If not, check it out. After that, if you want, we can get together and steal it. Shoot me and email. (That’s what the kids are saying: “shoot”)
Kenny G’s Chirstmas album at Best Buy: $6.99
Pissing off Jessy every day for an entire month: Priceless
If I see you wearing a shirt with the top button fastened and you’re not wearing a tie, I will incapacitate you somehow. I will then stick some of my fingers in your butt hole and wiggle them around. It won’t bring me any type of perverse pleasure, but it will definitely make you feel uncomfortable and violated. On a totally unrelated note, Microsoft Word does not recognize the term “butt hole” as a single word.
I try really hard to avoid being serious in this column, bit here’s some excellent advice: If you’re suicidal and haven’t quite been able to take the “final plunge,” I would highly recommend watching the movie House of Sand and Fog. Make sure you watch it by yourself and make sure there’s nothing around that can numb your senses like drugs or alcohol. You might want to sharpen up a knife and set it by the bathtub before you start. That way, immediately after watching the movie, you can go lie in the tub and slit your wrists. Remember to go up and down the road; across the street is just a candy-ass cry for help.
When President Bush vetoed the children’s healthcare bill for the second time, I knew there was a really great joke there. However, I am “slightly” intoxicated as a result of watching House of Sand and Fog, so I am unable to write one. I guarantee, though, that it would have been really, really funny; probably something about how the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries are coming up, or about the absurdity of not offering the president a line-item veto.
Ike Turner died recently. This is great news to OJ, since he is now the Undisputed Champion Celebrity Wife Beater (Killer) of the World. Yeaaaaaah!
Seriously though, how can Hillary or Barrack hope to compete with the likes of Rudy Giuliani or Fred Thompson for President; both of whom are old, white men?
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
