Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Rated R for Language and Some Adult Situations
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
You see, it’s funny because Petraeus rhymes with “betray us.” It’s fuckin’ hilarious.
If you’re skeptical as to whether God is really on George W. Bush’s side, just look at how he oil-bombed all the hippies in San Francisco. I’m kind of surprised W hasn’t yet pointed this out himself.
Saudi Arabia and its judicial system are apparently trying really hard to destroy any US or UN support they have. Maybe they should ask China how well a perpetually shakey history of human rights has helped their economy. Don’t get me wrong, the US hasn’t exactly been a saint in the area of human rights, but at least we’re trying. And anyways, when you have all the guns, you get to make the rules.
I guess what the Saints really need is another hurricane.
(The following entry should be read with a steady crescendo in your head to the word “Fuck!” a la George Carlin or Lewis Black.) I’m pretty sure the ovation has worn itself out. If you’re going to listen to a speaker, musician, or comedian, and they say something that really hardens your nipples, then go ahead and nod, but keep your goddamn clapping to yourself. I hate watching anything on television that consists of more than a few seconds of applause. The political punditry actually keeps track of how much applause there is during the state of the union address, which is bullshit because we should all be too busy being horrified we elected a retarded frat boy twice. Anyway, this argument may be falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes considering I’m not fucking talking), so sit down and watch Emeril Live on the Food Network. Watch when he adds some garlic, or something spicy or really flavorful. Then watch the audience cheer for the goddamn garlic! Fuck! The only time you should be that excited about garlic is if you’re being chased by a vampire. So please, cut down on the number of ovations in which you partake, and maybe they’ll eventually die out, just like Rwandans.
Here’s an idea China: Instead of drowning all your female babies, why don’t you test your US merchandise exports on them. They’ll still die, and you’ll get to find out which products are safe. That way, everyone wins.
If you actually think Dane Cook is funny, I would really prefer that you never read this column again.
Linda Stein, “Realtor to the Stars” and former manager of The Ramones, was recently murdered by her personal assistant, Natavia Lowery. The really cool part about this story is that Lowery beat Stein to death with a “yoga stick” after Stein blew marijuana smoke in her face. I would like to come up with an offensive Jewish joke here but I think this story is hilarious enough without commentary.
Warren Jeffs has joined George W Bush as a poster boy for the Why Left Wing Agnostics Should Be Running the Country Society.
Why is it that Lindsay Lohan served 84 minutes in jail for her second DUI whereas I have a friend who served four days for his second minor in possession charge? Does it have anything to do with the fact that Tom Davies is a misguided, cock sucking piece of shit? Maybe if Fargo wasted less money paying epic massive hardons like the “honorable” Judge Davies and hemorrhaging cash through programs like the Party Patrol, they could afford to build entertainment venues that catch the interest of the sixteen to twenty-five year old demographic. Maybe they could even have a public transportation system that operates after ten pm. That’s crazy though, because that shit’s for growing, progressive cities.
I found this cool-ass website called stupidstuff.org that has a very clinical and totally empirical comparison tool called “What Sucks?” It confirmed overwhelmingly (as I always suspected) that people prefer poop, feces, dung, manure, dookie, turds, droppings and pubes over Al Sharpton. However, Big Al is significantly more popular than crap or shit.
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
