Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
God Hates Minnesota
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
Here’s a great name for a punk band: Smoked Fuckwurst.
News Bulletin: African-American country-western rapper Cowboy Troy was lynched at a concert late last night by his own fans. Didn’t we all see this coming?
I sincerely hope that the bridge collapse in Minneapolis turns out to be an act of terrorism.
If you’re a healthy, capable, thirty-five year-old woman and you’re worrying that people look down on you because you have fifteen children, have never been married, and have been on food stamps for two decades, here’s a simple program to help you gain back that self respect: Step One: Put down the penis. Step Two: Get a job. By the way, EBT stands for Electronic Benefit Transfer (read: food stamps); it’s not a debit card. A debit card takes money out of your checking account. EBT on the other hand, takes money out of MY checking account.
I sometimes lament the apparent retirement of the semicolon. I bet you thought I would come up with a clever use of one here.
When all is said and done, I didn’t really need to know all the signals for desiring an anonymous gay romp in a men’s room. Thanks a lot, Larry Craig.
Following Leona Helmsley’s death in August, it was revealed that she left a twelve million dollar trust fund for her dog. Furthermore, this is apparently a growing trend in this country. You know what I say? Fuck that! If a pet outlives me, I want it euthanized, even if I have family member willing to adopt it. The same goes for children and grandchildren.
Anyone who wants to star in a snuff film, give me a call.
Remember when Kobe Bryant was the most hated athlete in the country? Considering the current state of sports in America, OJ Simpson and Mike Tyson could probably all start inking endorsement deals.
Am I the only one who can’t stop laughing at the LA Galaxy?
Okay, so you know how the classic hyperbole of a homeless person usually includes patched clothes? I’m a little more than curious as to where they get a needle and thread to attach such nice patches. Do they have to buy a needle and thread, or do they find them? It’s not exactly like looking for a needle in a haystack, but it’s the same concept. Or maybe there are places where people patch their old clothes before throwing them away. It must be the needle in the shit heap thing. Incidentally, Needle in a Shit Heap was my nickname in college.
Minnesota, Hats off to thee! To thy colors, true we shall ever be. Firm and strong, united are we.
Rah-rah-rah for Ski-U-Mah, Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah for the U of M.
M - I - N - N - E - S - O - T - A! Minnesota! Minnesota! Yeaaaaaaah date rape!
New rule: If you’re shopping and a child who’s five or older screams within arm’s reach of you, you are required to backhand it. If you wish, you may slap the parent on the follow-through.
Minnesota has joined the pathetic list of states that have banned smoking. And we wonder why the bridge collapsed, and there were deadly flash floods, and KG got traded, and Idaho senators are gaying up airport bathrooms big time. Please, re-allow smoking before someone blows up the Mall of America while Prince, Bob Dylan, and Johan Santana are eating at Pretzel Time.
That’s enough, Al Gore.
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
