Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
The Last of the Formicas...
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Tim Smith
Why would a fraudster try to steal from a college student? That would be like paying to rent a crane and using it to steal a penny gumball machine: you’d gain basically nothing and just cause a headache for someone else. Here’s a tip: target old people; they’re slow and gullible. Also the Baby boomers are the richest generation in the history of human civilization.
Logically speaking, does anyone give a shit that Britney shaved her head?
Here’s an idea for a fun afternoon: make professional-looking tag board signs that say “Whites” and “Coloreds.” Then go to your local shopping mall and place “Whites” ones over the tall drinking fountains and “Coloreds” ones over the short fountains. Find a comfortable bench and watch the action unfold.
Wouldn’t it be weird if one of your friends had sex with your dad, but your friend was a dude, and also your dad was a chick, and also you were on fire?
It may take two to tango, but it only takes one to Tang.
Dear Coors, how does “Rocky Mountain Water” make your beer better? Is it because the Rockies are closer to God?
Do we really need the government to tell bar owners whether or not they can allow smoking in their places of business? I don’t smoke, and personally, I prefer to be in a bar where there isn’t smoking. So rather than trying to ban smoking everywhere, I just go someplace that doesn’t allow smoking. It’s not like the employees and patrons don’t know smoking is unhealthy: it’s been jammed down our throats for the last fifty years. I imagine I’m not the only one who thinks this way. I’m guessing that eventually many or even most bars would become smoke free because of the laws of supply and demand and Adam Smith’s invisible hand (that rhymes), but there would still be bars that allow or maybe even require smoking to fill other economical needs. What if, after smoking is banned, we decide that fast food is so unhealthy that people need to be told they shouldn’t eat it so the government shuts down all fast food joints? But still, people get fat. So the government hands out ration cards that limit how much you can eat. But still, people get fat. So the government installs two-way screens in every home to ensure that everyone exercises in the morning. How does that sound you liberal cock suckers: dictatorial socialism, not through bloody revolution, but through an irrational obsession with national health? I’m sure our kids will really appreciate us banning smoking for them.
Remember that scene in Chinatown where Jack Nicholson slaps Faye Dunaway a bunch of times? Wasn’t that great?
Sometimes I feel like things are going okay and then I remember that I’ll never be the first black person to do anything.
Okay, this has gone on for too long: unions are destroying American economics. That’s why I’ve decided to remove tariffs on goods manufactured by American companies in foreign countries. This will allow businesses to get the best price for labor, almost like we were living in a capitalistic society. Don’t get me wrong though, I firmly believe that Unions were vitally important in the development of our economic system. However, they were simply a channel to the creation of agencies like OSHA, sort of like a training bra. And I’m pretty sure most girls don’t continue wearing a training bra after they’ve graduated to the real deal. So America, buy foreign-made goods and take off the trainer.
I may not be the first black head coach to win a Super Bowl, but at least my son didn’t off himself.
Here’s an idea for a new extreme sport: we’ll place bear traps around the campus of a school for the blind and take bets on whether their canes, dogs, or legs set them off.
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
