Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Thoughtful Religious Commentary
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
Today’s scripture selection comes from John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only son to a room full of mincing, boy-hungry pedophiles.” I’m not sure what this accomplished, but I guess it at least made the pedophiles feel better.
Goddammit! Jesus died (and got molested) so I could type that.
Can someone explain to me again why George W. Bush is “our” president?
The color red is commonly associated with communism. Communism is on the extreme liberal end of the sociopolitical spectrum. So why are the states that vote Republican painted red on Election Day? Remember people: there’s bad stuff at both ends of the spectrum, not just the conservative side.
It’s my goal to one day be the second best prop comedian in the country. Sweet! I did it!
Does anyone else find it weird that ALL strippers do that hypnotized cobra in a basket dance? It’s not really natural, but I guess snakes are just really, really sexy.
Okay. It’s time for all this racial sensitivity bullshit to stop. I realize Michael Richards probably offended a lot of people with his racist rant at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, but to me it looked like a bit. Lots of comedians yell about sensitive issues, George Carlin and Lewis Black in particular, but they don’t get crucified for it. I’m guessing a rant about abortion or religion or teen pregnancy would be welcomed with open arms and open labia, but race is just such a sensitive issue. Sensitive like the head of a penis. Incidentally, “Sensitive like the Head of a Penis” was my nickname in high school.
Apparently, popping cherries is the supreme source of enjoyment and gratification in the Old Testament.
The penalty for statutory rape should take the “victim’s” age into account. If you nail a 17-year-old, you get 17 years in prison, 14 years for a 14-year-old, and 8 years for an 8-year-old. I think this would completely solve the problem.
Ethiopians are poor. Haha!
I don’t think I could ever pull off the whole “raging alcoholic” thing because I get sick of waking up with hangover after only fifty or sixty mornings in a row.
Jessy, I hope you don’t mind, but I used your beard trimmer to shave my balls.
If I had the choice between becoming an auditor or getting a vasectomy every day for the rest of my life, I would probably buy an Uzi and kill a bunch of Amish school children.
I’ve finally come to the realization that I’m not funny. That being said, I have committed myself to objectively analyzing the news to better inform my fellow man… Ha! I’m just kidding! Fuck the ostrich!
I get into a screaming rage almost every time I drive because of some old person driving 15 in a 35. It’s not that I’m in a hurry; I’m usually not. I just don’t particularly enjoy driving because of how unproductive and boring it is. So, next time I feel a heart attack coming on when I’m in a traffic-related ire, I’m going to use it as an excuse to start swerving so I can take out as many of you old fuckers as I can. I don’t even care if I die; I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL! You’ll know me because I’ll be the one poking you with a pitch fork while you roast slowly over a pile of flaming Bibles. (Wow, that kind of got out of hand, huh?)
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
