Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Memoirs of a Testiclectomist, Part VII
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Tim Smith
I wish the new Jigsaw movie took place on a fruit farm and was called “Saw 3: The Tortured Orchard.”
Somehow, Batman has turned into a license for Tim Burton to spend the rest of his career making total crap, but at least he made one good movie. Peter Jackson, on the other hand, hasn’t even made a decent movie. He turned Tolkien’s awful books into even worse films. And don’t try to tell me that Return of the King won eleven Oscars. The “Academy” gave eleven Oscars to Titanic and a best actress award to Marissa Tomei, so they clearly all have their heads up their asses. I guess what I’m trying to say is &*@# Oprah!
I think I’m going to market a black highlighter that emphasizes text in neon black.
Hey Larry Coker: have fun coaching Minnesota State University Moorhead next year. You can probably get Glen Mason to be your assistant coach.
For me, the best (and really the only) case that can be made against homosexuality is the fact that the anus doesn’t secrete any sort of natural lubrication. However, this argument only applies to men, and some women need artificial lubrication because their vaginal epithelia don’t quite work right. According to this argument, these women should all be lesbians. However, “vaginal dryness” is particularly prevalent (estimated at 10-40%) in post-menopausal women which suggests that women become gay when they reach 50.5 years of age (or 44 for female gorillas). Well, I guess that about wraps up this week’s edition of “A Discussion of Modern Medicine with Tim Smith.”
What would a priest say if you asked him why the infallible God gave us all an appendix?
It would suck to be one of those big fat people on the Discovery channel, because they’ve been working their whole lives to be Rascal worthy but then they lost control and got too heavy for a Rascal.
Sometimes I walk down a hallway and try to guess how many of the people I’m passing had a penis in their mouth more recently than a toothbrush.
An old guy reprimanded me in the bar bathroom for peeing too fast, saying, “Just wait until you’re fifty!” I guess I’ll just attribute it to bitterness due to enlarged prostate.
I’m going to open a mini golf course combined with a strip club and call it Slut Putt. My office would be referred to as the Slut Putt Hut. My chair would hold the Slut Putt Hut Butt. We’d answer the phone, “Slut Putt. What?”
Attention closed-minded Americans: I know the whole race thing has been a huge issue for a lot of years, but we can’t ignore that race exists. My old grocery store manager asked me once who someone was and I told him that he was the African-American guy that worked there and he looked at me like I had just punched a baby. I had no problem with this individual, he was just black. That was a physical description, not an indictment. Race seems to entail other biological traits, but above all else, it makes people look different. It’s apparently all right to describe someone by their height, age, weight, eye color, hair color, or clothing, but mention their skin color and you’re instantly a Nazi or a Klansman. If I had described this person by his height, age, hair color and all that other crap, my manager would have never known who he was. I say he’s black and it’s instant recognition, especially in Minnesota where most of the people are pasty white. Don’t think I’m condoning racism or stereotyping, although they tend to be hilarious, but just be open to the FACT that people of different races tend to look different.
There should be a show on Animal Planet called Bounty the Dog Hunter.
Sometimes nothing turns your day around like pinching a young boy’s bottom.
Tim Smith recently graduated with a degree in music from North Dakota State University. He was once the only white member of a household that included an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
