Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Bible Bashing and Other Pastimes...
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
When you really think about it, does our system of hours and minutes make any sense? There are sixty seconds in a minute, sixty minutes in an hour, and twenty-four hours in a day; what the crap? Don’t fret though, for I have a solution. Currently, there are 86,400 seconds in a day. If we just decrease the length of the second by a measly 15.74%, we would have 100,000 seconds, which could be broken down into 10 hours, 100 minutes, and 100 seconds. Easy. We could even tweak the second to eliminate all the anomalies associated with leap year. Well, that about wraps up this week’s edition of “A Discussion of Modern Chronometry with Tim Smith.”
What exactly do Biblical proportions entail?
If I say something is awesome around my dad, he usually says, “I’m awesome.” Then I beat him with a tube sock full of nickels. No dimes though. Just nickels. Dimes are bullshit anyways.
People of the Taco Nation: Beware the Dingleberry Revolution!
Attention Human Males Age 13-85: You don’t need to constantly substantiate your “manliness” by making lewd comments in response to every reference to a woman. If you witnessed a fantastic violin solo by a virtuosa, and one of your friends says she did a really good job, you don’t need to say, “I’ll give her a good job. You know what I mean?” Just say, “I agree. Her cadenza was superb. And what a great rack.” That way you at least exhibit the illusion that you’re able to piece together more than one coherent thought at a time.
Sometimes in arm-wrestling contests a contestant’s arm muscles will be so strong that their arm bones won’t be able to take the pressure and they basically shatter. Doesn’t that make you glad you’re sitting in a chair in your underwear, surfing the internet, and not participating in an arm-wrestling contest?
I dare you to think of the word “pupe” without getting grossed out.
Why is it that some forms of suicide are acceptable in public and others are only appropriate when you’re by yourself? For instance, you can eat your gun after realizing some horrible mistake you’ve made or run yourself through with a sword in acceptance of defeat in battle no matter who’s around. Also, if you’re in a cult, taking poison is allowed. However, slitting your wrists while sitting in a class or a work meeting would usually cause people to try to aid you. And if you run a hose form your exhaust back into your driver side window during rush hour, someone would stop and pull it out. I guess the amount of time a “procedure” consumes is directly related to its public tolerance.
With Democratic victories in the House and Senate, the country took a tiny colossal step from ever-so-slightly right to ever-so-slightly left. Incidentally, Ever-So-Slightly Left was my nickname in high school, but I don’t know why.
Attention Jon Heder: You are not Jon Heder. You’re Napoleon Dynamite and you always will be.
I’m currently working on a gospel song for men’s choir about domestic abuse and the inferiority of women as professed in the Bible. While researching on the internet, I found this great line. I don’t know if it’s necessarily funny, but just something really cool to think about. “Sometimes, in ancient wars, soldiers of the winning army would rape the soldiers of the losing army -- not because they were gay, or because they wanted sex -- but because rape was the ultimate act of domination, humiliation, and degradation.” I hope that brings a little sunshine into your day.
Remember when you were a kid and you went to some sort of renaissance festival and saw all the people in their medieval garb and thought, “Wow! This is cool!” and now that you’re grown up you realize that most of the people dressed up didn’t even work for the festival and it’s not really that cool any more?
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
