Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part XV- Memoirs of a Testiclectomist VI
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
God works in mysterious ways. Like giving Bob Dylan that voice, and killing Mozart at the age of 35, and putting Stephen Hawking’s mind in Stephen Hawking’s body. I guess when you look at it that way it’s not so hard to believe that God’s calling the shots for George W. Bush.
“Molecular” is an odd compound word. I know what a mole is, but what the hell is a “cular?”
If anyone knows the current going rate for healthy Caucasian babies on the black market, drop me a line.
If someone ever tells you that you don’t know anything because you’re just a kid, they’re probably right. The best thing to do then is kill them so no one else finds out.
It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
Hey fat guys: you know how you’ll be running, well maybe not running, but walking quickly, so you don’t have to wait in line for the General Tso’s chicken, and the inseam of your shorts creeps up into an alligator bite? For you “healthy” people who don’t know what an alligator bite is, just go to an elementary gym class and watch the fat kids running around. That uncomfortable wad of fabric stuffed up in their crotches is an alligator bite. Anyways, if you get one, you have to do that one legged wedgie-dance that kind of looks like an autistic hokey-pokey. Incidentally, Autistic Hokey-Pokey was my nickname in high school.
Here’s a comforting thought: every single safety warning and health regulation exists primarily as the result of someone losing an appendage.
Black people put the AIDS in “underpaid service workers,” figuratively and literally.
Attention Strippers: you’re not dancers or performers or artists; you shake your jugs for money. Fred Astaire was a performer and I never saw him shake his jugs.
How many of you had to go back and sing that first line of the Family Guy theme song? Do you feel like that was an effective use of your time?
Wrigley should market a plastic-flavored chewing gum. Or one that tastes like dirt, old books, burnt matches, or soap.
I think that if I were a reality show producer, I would put singers Steve Perry and Perry Como, actors Matthew Perry and Luke Perry, football player William “The Fridge” Perry, designer Perry Ellis, and pitcher Gaylord Perry in a house together and simply call it “The Perry’s.”
I can undress myself with one hand, but only if the other hand is holding a sandwich.
Did the first hanging occur as an accident, or did the executioner just get lucky?
Dead babies: let’s talk about them. I think pro-lifers have a decided advantage here because they can bomb an abortion clinic to get their point across. What senseless act of violence could the pro-choicers possibly commit in response to that? I guess they could bomb community education classes about parenting. It’s unfortunate though that pro-choice just means pro-right-to-abortion rather than all out pro-abortion. If that were the case, I could see a group of people in hoods and capes assailing a maternity ward with straightened hangers.
There’s every-flavored-water, but not water-flavored-anything.
If I were a super-villain, I would want to be known as “The Semi-Erection.”
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
