Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part XV- Suicide, Deicide, Genocide, and Frivolity, but Mostly Suicide
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
I sincerely do not understand how a retail customer could possibly expect to get a reasonable answer to the question, “How come you’re always out of this when I’m in here?” They always ask it as if I’ve personally committed some heinous crime against them, and truthfully, society and humanity in general. Maybe they think that if I see them coming, I run out and pull the item in question off the shelf just so I can savor the vastness of their utter grief and frustration. Probably the best answer is, “Well, you must only come in when we’re out of it.” I guess basically what I’m trying to say is that I miss my grandmother.
One way to die laughing is to take a bath with a TV that’s playing a Chris Rock standup special.
For some reason arbitrary terrorism hasn’t caught on yet.
Some of the Constitutional Amendments create a defendant’s bill of rights, and there’s talk that there should be a formal victim’s bill of rights. My question though, is which set of standards would prevail in a case of attempted suicide?
Attention Freshmen in My Introductory Philosophy Course: keep your perverted delusions of enlightenment to yourselves. Read, think, experience, smoke peyote, get laid, and then get back to me after forty or fifty years of deep reflection.
The albatross soared through the cold, wintery sky like a turd on a piece of paper.
It’s kind of depressing being the oldest person in a 100 level class, but it’s really depressing being the oldest person in a 400 level class.
Give Mel Gibson a break, huh? The Jews killed his Lord. Every single living Jew personally took part in it; just like I personally took part in killing all those Indians and enslaving the blacks.
The suffix “-ment” is an interesting one. On the one hand, it makes complete sense with words like bereavement and achievement, which would make a great rhyme scheme for a song. On the other hand, figment makes no sense at all. Entrapment may be the oddest example though. The dictionary says entrapment is the act of tricking, as in a trap. But I don’t see how that has anything to do with Tolkien tree monsters laying down phat beats.
The fight for women’s equality will not be finished until you ladies kick it up a notch and get your suicide success rate up there with the guys. I mean sleeping pills? Honestly, come on!
Do Asians refer to thoroughness as crossing the x-parenthesis-things and dotting the circle-slashies?
If Ayatollah Ruholla Khomeini had been an American instead of an Iranian theocratic revolutionary, I think he would have been big as a pro wrestler. He also could have owned a cola company.
What did Hitler’s mother think?
I sort of feel sorry for people who could never have a truly satisfying sexual experience unless they were getting freaky with Jesus. Incidentally, Getting Freaky with Jesus was my nickname in high school.
It would be hilarious to commit suicide and leave a note that blamed it all on somebody and say that they drove you to kill yourself, especially if that was completely false, or if you barely knew them. You’d be dead, but what an awesome prank.
I wonder if Mein Kampf is currently printed by a Jewish publishing company.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
