Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part XIV- Tim's Greatest Hits
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Tim Smith
If everyone had a third arm, that would greatly increase productivity, not because people would be able to hold 150% of what they normally can, but because everyone could masturbate constantly, and that would eliminate the need for the massive amount of time and energy spent on the pursuit of pussy and/or cock.
If you ever poop your pants, you should probably take a shower. And change your pants.
As odd as it sounds, the scent of semen in a dryer sheet is not particularly soothing.
Getting arrested is customarily not a good strategy, but I think most employers would gleefully overlook your record if you had been charged for public nudity, public intoxication, public urination, and disturbing the peace all for the same criminal act. I.e. you were running around drunk without any pants on while pissing and yelling.
I wonder how successful a nightclub called The Pube Cube would be.
When you’re drinking beer and watching porn, remember to keep your hands isolated because ice-cold skin is not much of an aphrodisiac.
A few years past, I opted out of an education degree. I wouldn’t say I regret the decision, but in retrospect, I feel somewhat that I missed out on a humbling opportunity to have children believe anything I tell them. I’m sure some of you are thinking of the prospect of molestation, but wholly more appealing to me is the chance to teach kids false information that would make the rest of their lives more difficult, kind of like Adam Sandler’s mama in The Water Boy. It would be possible to invent characters that took part in historical events, or create new historical events all together, like extra world wars, or ancient civilizations that never existed. You could even teach kids their ABC’s incorrectly. A music teacher could train their kids to play their instruments wrong, not as a result of incompetence, but just as a product of spite and malice. That way, when they get to college, they’d have to relearn everything they’d worked so hard on. I would fabricate new laws of physics and science, devise additional Constitutional Amendments, and conceive of wild explanations of economic matters. Maybe I should consider a major change…
Is there anything better to do on a Friday night than bask in the glory of your own putrescence?
Wiping with a hedgehog is generally a bad idea, regardless of its intended anatomical destination.
I’m not sure whether it would qualify as irony, but a terrorist suicide bombing at a showing of United 93 or World Trade Center would definitely be an interesting coincidence. In order to constitute irony, I think an airplane would have to be intentionally crashed into the World Trade Center while it was playing World Trade Center.
Hey Karl Marx: way to wreck a whole century.
What’s so cool about babies anyways? They’re basically worthless for all practical purposes and only serve to monopolize someone else’s time and energy. You might point out that they have the potential to develop into actual human beings some day, but you know who else had potential? M.C. Hammer. And that didn’t work out so well, did it?
Although the jury is still out for me on paprika, I am decidedly not a lima bean man.
When you get in a drunken car chase, make sure you drag it out until your blood-alcohol level is low enough to pass a breathalyzer test. That way, you won’t get a DUI.
As the jail cell door closed, I realized it was a disturbing parallel to the door closing on my anal virginity.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
