Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part XIII- Memoirs of a Testiclectomist V
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
If I were going to rewrite the song My Favorite Things, three of the prominent items would be oak furniture, witnessing the confirmation of a stereotype, and a good, hard, open-hand slap to the face involving two men.
The great thing about standup comedy is that if you’re not funny, you can get a job doing VH1 specials.
Slavery in early America created a permanent rift between black and white people, leading to a civil war and an eventual need for millions of hours of civil rights demonstrations, so I guess mostly it was a good idea.
An iron maiden with a sound system that only played Iron Maiden would be some sort of awesome.
I can’t remember the last time I got drunk, but that’s probably how it should be.
When I wash my hands or take a shower, I prefer the temperature knob to be slightly to the left of the middle, or just hot of hot-cold.
Have you ever been sexually attracted to an inanimate object? It’s great isn’t it?
If you’re ever in a burning building, make sure you take the egress route and not the egret route, because that would probably land you on the roof, and that’s the last place you want to be.
The Pound would be a great name for a prostitution ranch.
The only holiday that has been able to persist as simply a date is July 4th. Whether September 11th has the balls to stand up without a name is yet to be seen. In truth though, even July 4th has a name, so maybe a backup title should be assigned just in case. I like Terrorisma or Airplane Day.
Killing them softly is kind of an odd expression, like you’re using a furry knife or something. Incidentally, Furry Knife was my nickname in high school.
I have never been in a restaurant that served grits.
Ninety-nine eviscerated hookers on the wall. Ninety-nine eviscerated hookers. Take one down. Pass her around. Ninety-eight eviscerated hookers on the wall.
Adversity is for the underprivileged!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a boat? Whatever you want; he can’t do anything about it. You could probably pee on his face too.
Why do the terrorists enjoy beheading civilians so much? There’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned hanging. Being drawn and quartered by Arabian horses would be cool too.
Che Guevara was a Communist revolutionary who assisted Fidel Castro in his hostile takeover of Cuba. Does anyone actually know that? Why is this man so popular? I guess Che is kind of a cool name and Guevara makes me think of coffee for some reason. That must be it. Espresso rules!
More like nignorance.
I love running the air conditioner all the time because it’s like bending Mother Nature over a tree stump in what used to be a rain forest and humping her until her eyes bleed.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
