Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part XII- Memoirs of a Testiclectomist IV
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
"President I Set A Record For Total Vacation Days Taken By A US President With Three Years Remaining In My Second Term" was recorded saying “shit” to Tony Blair at the G8 summit, which will hopefully allow colorful language to emerge as the norm in television and other media, including those intended for young children. Congratulations George Carlin! When you think about it though, shit kind of already emerged as Norm. Take that George Wendt! Snap-p-p-p!
You’ve probably tricked someone, but have you ever hoodwinked, bamboozled, or flimflammed them?
I wonder if prisons recognize Independence Day. It seems like it would be kind of depressing for the convicts to celebrate freedom.
I can’t stand it when people in the media or elsewhere quote a Bible passage in an effort to prove a point, particularly one involving government, law, or politics. A major building block of this country is the principal of separation of church and state, or SOCAS, so the spiritual handbook of its prevalent religion is not a valid reference for matters of policy and civics. Now I know all you Right Wing Richards out there are seething because SOCAS isn’t implicitly stated in the Constitution or its Amendments. However the First Amendment protects freedom of religion, which logically protects the freedom of no religion. Freedom does not automatically entail obligation. You can speak, but aren’t required to. You can vote, but aren’t required to. You can bare arms, but you can certainly wear long sleeves if you wish. Furthermore, the Bible is just a collection of stories. Granted, it is deemed sacred by Christians, but what do Muslims, Hindus, Jews, Buddhists, Klingons, or atheists care about it? To them, the Bible is totally unfounded, unverifiable, and essentially serves as an in-depth “Chicken Soup for the Impudent, Pretentious Soul;” it has some excellent lessons and heart-warming stories, but it serves no higher purpose for non-Christians. Maybe the fact that the Bible is old is the reason that people consider it viable testimony. In that case, we should probably pass legislation to fund protective measures against the monster Grendel.
Congress
“What proof do you have that this beast exists?”
Shifty, Unquestioning, Christian Know-it-all
“It’s in this old book, so it must be true.”
Congress
“Very well. Tax some poor black kids.”
SUCK
“Don’t forget to sodomize some altar boys and dump oil on a rainforest.”
I was just kidding about George Wendt. I love Cheers. Please don’t send me any nasty e-mails.
I was just kidding about the Bible. I love Jesus. Please don’t send me any nasty e-mails.
Nothing could possibly entertain me more than an entire funeral procession pulling over because of a hearse with a flat tire.
Why do all these car companies brag about their German engineering and have guys with German accents talk about them? As far as I’m concerned, the most noteworthy German engineering revolved around the swift elimination of Judaism.
One great thing about the weather in Fargo is that it allows me to hang on to my change and not feel bad.
Contrary to popular belief, birds don’t have mammalian reproductive organs. Instead they have cloacas, which act as multipurpose humping/egg laying/pooping holes. Birds don’t urinate either; can you even fathom that? Anyways, the fact that birds have cloacas totally undermines the fashionable slang term “chicken penis.”
I was just kidding about loving Jesus. Christian conservatism sucks!
Did you notice that all three men mentioned in my first observation were named George?
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
