Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part XI- Memoirs of a Testiclectomist III
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
Philanthropy causes cancer.
For some inexplicable reason, the first word that comes to mind when I think of church-goers is naivety.
More like A-1 Slut Sauce.
I question the term “family-owned” and its implicit positive connotation when used in reference to a business in an advertisement. Families aren’t automatically fraught with wholesomeness and so-called “family values.” For instance, the Hatfield and McCoy clans both had extraordinarily strong family solidarity, and presumably elevated “family values,” but their hundred-year feud needlessly claimed the lives of over a dozen clan members from the two sides in eighteenth century Appalachia. So the next time you hear a business claim to be “family-owned,” think pain, deception, treachery, and hatred, rather than joy, honesty, loyalty, and acceptance.
Rather than standing for Judge Advocate General, JAG should stand for Jews, Abortions, and Gays. Maybe that’s what I should call this column.
I bet Charles Manson doesn’t get raped in prison very often because it’d be all cold in there.
Part of me really wants to see a vicious legal battle between Queen and Queen Latifah over of naming trademarks.
People get so uptight about making fun of babies just because they can’t defend themselves. Let’s be realistic though; babies don’t even care. Go ahead, call a baby a cock-sucking motherfucker and see how empowered it makes you feel.
What’s the big deal with stereotyping? I have a Sony and I don’t care who knows it.
Katie Couric is a soft-money whore-sausage.
If you put a bunch of sandwich bags in one of those big freezer bags, that would be like a container container. And if you put that freezer bag in a piece of Tupperware and put that piece of Tupperware in one of those big Rubbermaid bins, that would be like a container container container container. And if you put that Rubbermaid bin in one of those long-term storage garages and there was a warehouse full of those garages, that would be like a container container container container container container. Incidentally, if you type the word container twice in a row, Microsoft Word assumes you made a mistake and underlines the second and all subsequent occurrences of the word in squiggly red. Incidentally, Squiggly Red was my nickname in high school.
WWJVD: What would Jason Voorhees do? (Probably cut everybody with a machete.)
If you’re attempting to make a glass of ice water but your ice cubes are yet partially unfrozen, don’t fret because water is the primary ingredient in ice and premature melting will not taint your drink.
Would anyone have been surprised if France and Italy had just both surrendered in the World Cup Finals?
By winning the World Cup, Italians have added playing soccer to their list of viable skills, along with cooking pasta, racketeering, hitting people with golf clubs, and framing politicians with dead hookers.
Nobody ever gets their anal sphincter pierced. At least I don’t think they do.
Unbelievably, the timeless television classic, Rescue 911 has yet to release a box set.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
