Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery
Part X- Memoirs of a Testiclectomist II
Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith
Shortly following death, people relieve their bowels, but I wonder if there’s any way to determine whether a SIDS victim pooped before or after death.
What if, at a NASCAR event, former Indiana Pacer Reggie Miller drove the pace car which happened to be an AMC Pacer? And what if, the night before he had been nervous and was pacing around his kitchen, eating Pace picante sauce and had a heart attack and had to have a pacemaker put in? And what if he paid for his surgery with pesos?
Serious flooding recently threatened Washington DC and I know God claimed he would never punish the earth in that fashion again, but the legislature is trying to grant amnesty to illegal Mexicans.
Fat people have more skin, so they should be referred to as skinny.
Teen pregnancy rates have dropped somewhat in the last few years which can only mean that teens are getting more responsible… or roofies are getting harder to find.
I wish I had a way to actually feed off of other people’s emotional anguish instead of just basking in its high entertainment value.
A twelve-year-old boy recently collapsed and died after riding the Rockin’ Roller Coaster in Disney-MGM Studios in Florida, which features Aerosmith. I know this is the same old song and dance, but dream on if you think he’s getting back in the saddle.
Baseball analogies have an important place in everyday life. For instance, I think of HIV as triple-A ball and AIDS as the major leagues.
Humanization is a literary technique that assigns human traits to animals, things, ideas and minorities.
I’ve noticed that in car commercials the front windshield is always heavily tinted, obstructing the view of the driver. This is probably because of all the horrific, disfiguring accidents professional drivers get into as a result of vehicles not being as safe as their commercials claim.
You can please some of the people all the time, and you can please all of the people some of the time, and you can pleasure yourself in a public restroom as long as no one else is around.
Everyone’s talking shots at Tom Cruise lately so I guess I’ll join the party: Hey Tom Cruise, you suck! That was kind of weak wasn’t it? It’s just hard for me to be mean to someone with such pretty blue eyes.
Kirby Puckett had a great stroke when he was playing baseball and an even better one after he retired.
Someday I want to go to a funeral for a baby that died as a result of its caregiver leaving it in the car during the summer and start the slow clap.
A fight to the death between Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell would produce one dead ultra-conservative loser, one living ultra-conservative loser, and six billion winners who don’t have to put up with as much ultra-conservative bullshit anymore.
Attention blue-haired old people: Don’t treat me like I’m a burden on society because I’m a young person. Respecting your elders only goes so far, especially considering that four percent of my paycheck goes to buy your diapers and plastic hips.
I hate when I get nabbed in a prostitution bust and have to run from the cops with a raging boner.
Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.
