Rants, Random Thoughts, and General Skullduggery

Guest Webmaster
Tim Smith

Paul Tagliabue: Rescheduling a Saints game from Sunday to Monday doesn’t make you a humanitarian. Just send a check like everyone else and leave the relief effort to someone else.
Why aren’t more kids named Herrod?
Stagger Lee shot Billy because Stagger threw a seven and Billy said he threw an eight, but what most people don’t know is that they were playing Monopoly and an eight would have landed Stagger on Broadway where Billy had a hotel.
One thing you never see at a state fair is a virtual reality child birth simulator.
Say what you want to about rape, but if you're seeking an intense feeling of power and sexual domination, there aren't too many options.
At the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson, when Courtney Love was speaking, she mostly just embarrassed herself and everyone else present, probably just like a family reunion.
When Uncle Sam thinks of you, he touches himself.
“Hey Joe” by Jimi Hendrix is less violent if you replace the word ‘gun’ with ‘camera’ every time it appears.
What the country needs is a grotesquely fat, disgustingly horny celebrity so we’ll finally have a use for the excellent nickname “Sperm Whale.”
I wish the song “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” had inspired tunes with similar titles, like “I Left My Pancreas in Hackensack” or “I Left My Labia in Saudi Arabia.” That one would be more literal, and wholly more disturbing if Saudi Arabia was in Africa.
Number 43 on the Checklist of Bizarre Sexual Experiences: Cleveland Steamer.
It would suck to get measles and weasels at the same time, especially if you were an artist, because the weasels would chew the legs off your easels.
Why doesn’t coffee make you cough?
The great thing about America is that no matter how stupid you are, there’s always someone willing to pay to hear your inane message.
Signing your name in blood on a sheet of Scott’s toilet tissue probably somewhat undermines the original intent of signing your name in blood.
Shoot for the stars: get a Hollywood hunting license.
Early to bed and late to rise makes a man too lazy to look up antonyms for healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Attention Fat People: Wear appropriate clothing. The terms tube top and Speedo should not be in your sartorial vocabulary. It’s admirable that you’re comfortable with your bodies, but the rest of us are not. Please store your swollen cottage cheese thighs in baggy jeans where they belong and not in skin tight leather chaps.
Freddie Mercury was in a band called Queen. Huh.

Tim Smith is currently a music major at North Dakota State University. He is also the only white member of a household that includes an Asian, a Native American, and a Mexican. You can reach Tim at timothy.smith@ ndsu.edu.