Alcohol Troubleshooting

For those of you who enjoy the occasional (or more than occasional) night out at the bar, consider this your FAQ to the consumption of alcoholic beverages...

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Symptom	Fault	Action
Feet cold and wet	Glass being held at incorrect angle	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Improper bladder control	Stand next top nearest dog, complain about house training
Drink unusually pale and tasteless	Glass empty	Get someone to buy you another drink
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights	You have fallen over backwards	Have yourself leashed to the bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts	You have fallen forward	See above
Alcohol tasteless, front of shirt is wet	mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of your face	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor blurred	You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass	Get someone to buy you another drink
Floor moving	You are bring carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark	The bar has closed	Confirm home address with bartender
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures	Alcohol consumption has exceeded your personal limitations	Cover your mouth immediately
Everyone looks up to you and smiles	You are dancing on the table	Fall on someone cushy-looking (i.e. Jessy Klimpel or Tim Smith)
Drink is crystal-clear	It's water- someone is trying to sober you up	Punch him or her
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear	You've been in a fight	Apologize to everyone you see just in case it was them
You don't recognize anyone, nor do you recognize the room you're in	You're wandered into the wrong party	See if they have free alcohol
Your singing sounds distorted	the drink is too weak	Have more alcohol until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song	The drink(s) is/are just right	Play more air guitar

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